A Journey Through Postpartum Anxiety
Sheila Tham, with her son, Noah.
I felt fully prepared for labour. I read so many books, had a doula, went to prenatal classes, wrote my birth plan, joined all of the Reddit forums, listened to podcasts. That’s not to say I didn’t prepare for parenting (I definitely covered that topic too) but I had no idea what to expect in the early postpartum period.
Immediately after delivery I felt so great. I clapped for myself when the nurses asked whether that was MY baby as I walked myself to recovery. I hopped in the shower and was amazed that I could suddenly stand on one leg again. I knew “snapping back” wasn’t real but I felt like I was crushing it. And then my tiny little guy wouldn’t latch. Breastfeeding was so important to me and I felt like I must be doing something wrong. Despite the support of my husband, my doula, nurses, numerous lactation consultants, friends who had breastfed, and family, nothing seemed to be working. I stressed over every weigh-in, every feed. I would stay up all night waking him to re-latch. Everything felt like life and death. My doula showed me the signs he was swallowing while feeding, and he had the right number of diapers, but he was gaining weight slowly. I stressed over pumping and freezing, I took supplements, ate lactation-specific foods. We supplemented with formula and I would stress over whether he would prefer it to nursing. I agonized over whether or not he looked bigger. I cried if someone referred to him as “tiny”. I watched every breastfeeding video I could find. It completely consumed me.
I stopped any form of self-care and my husband (luckily, for me) became the one completely responsible for feeding and ensuring I showered or took a moment for myself. I started to notice pain when rolling over in bed. And then my back would ache in ways it hadn’t before. When I actually took the time to think about it, I felt concerned about my pelvic floor recovery. I could tell that I had diastasis recti. My doula stopped by for a postpartum visit and, again, I agonized over feeding. She asked if I had restarted my physio yet, whether I had been talking to anyone. I said no, I didn’t have time, I was focusing on breastfeeding. She told me she was seeing signs of postpartum anxiety and suggested I get back in touch with my counsellor, and make time to start my physical recovery.
Getting back into counselling was very important for me; it helped me unpack my experience and take some time for myself to process. As a military member and a self-proclaimed athlete, I hadn’t reflected on how traumatic pregnancy and postpartum had been for me physically. When I felt so good after labour, I didn’t expect that I would need to go back to doing the things I had been doing while pregnant (seeing a chiropractor and physiotherapist) because my recovery had felt “miraculous” immediately following birth (thanks, adrenaline!). I had started to unconsciously label myself as a failure. I felt like my only job was to feed the baby, something that was supposed to be natural and instinctive, and I couldn’t even do that right most days. I know now that I was being unreasonable. Our struggles in breastfeeding were completely normal and just took time to adapt (in our case, 6 weeks and a tongue tie release before it felt “easy”) but I had lost myself to postpartum anxiety.
Looking back, my immediate postpartum experience was a blur. I was so overwhelmed by the steep learning curve of caring for a baby that I didn’t get much sleep. Despite a very supportive husband and a community of friends and professional care providers, I was almost crushed by the weight of taking it all on myself. I needed the perspective to surrender more and spend less time contemplating the worst case scenarios. I believe a lot of that is instinctual, we are hormonally charged to worry about our babies, but I forgot that I couldn’t pour from an empty cup indefinitely.
Now when friends announce they are expecting I refrain from giving advice (unless they specifically ask for it). Instead I ask what they need, how I can help them. I make a point to reach out in the weeks and months after delivery to ask how they’re doing (not just the new baby!) and drop off a meal. I received so much kindness and grace in my postpartum journey and I try to pay it forward as much as I can. I’m now amazed by new moms in the same way I used to be amazed by pregnancy. I recognize what a transformative, difficult, beautiful, exciting process it is. It is so many things at once and we can’t do it alone.
-Sheila Tham
